Um...No

Yeah....7th grade was a while ago. I didn't like it then & I sure as heck don't like it now. My feelings rarely get hurt & I usually just take it up the @$$ instead of getting upset or actually letting things bother me for more than a few minutes...or hours depending on the situation.

However, this time my feelings are hurt. Sorry if that doesn't fit into anyone else's allotted time for me this week...but not much ever does anyway.

First...I never asked for a permission slip. Are YOU kidding ME..?? Give me a break...

Second...I moved 50 miles away THREE years ago..!! And for the last time...I HAD to..!! If I knew then what I know now...about my career...about interest rates...about house prices...about NEVER getting married to ANYONE...I would have put up more of a fight with my boss about moving...

But since I can't go back and fix ANY of my mistakes in this life...I do live in Chandler & will for the foreseeable future. I would live in the west valley again (even at my old condo in the hood) if I could afford it...I just don't think it would be smart to move into a smaller house with a larger payment with NO money to decorate or even eat on a regular basis.

Third...Why aren't you happy for me..?? I actually like a boy that actually likes me back..!! I realize that at this point it is not the ideal situation. I realize that he has done some retarded things over the last year that involve unintentionally hurting my feelings. But I can't say that in his state I wouldn't have done some of the same things. If your spouse up & left...wouldn't you be a little freaked out & possibly act like a homo towards the opposite sex a few times..?? Oh wait...none of us know because none of our spouses have decided to walk out on us.

The point is this...I'm pretty sure I love this guy. I'm pretty sure he loves me back...but is just not able to move any faster than he is. If he doesn't love me...I guess that's fine too. I have fun with him...he makes me laugh...he makes me feel good about myself...he's honest with me...he trusts me...he has a home...he has a good career...he's loves his family...he wants a family of his own...

I know he hasn't come around...I know you don't know him. And for that I'm sorry. There is nothing I can do about that. I wish we had the same days off & were able to spend more time together. I wish that he was at the same point I am in life...but I have been single a lot longer and since I have lost a spouse...I understand most...if not all...of his hesitation.

It's scary to me to be turning 27 & have no idea what to expect tomorrow. You know you are gonna wake up to 3 of the most beautiful boys on the planet that love you more than life. You know you are gonna feed 'em breakfast & send them to school and so on... There aren't too many surprises in store...you know who you are coming home to & you know he's gonna be there...

I'm not mad that you go & do without me...I'm mad that you are too busy to even talk to me. If I don't answer my phone in the morning...it's because I am sleeping. If I don't answer my phone in the afternoon...it's because I'm on a call at work & can't. I nearly took someone's life at work a month ago & he nearly took mine...I wanted to call you...I wanted you to be at the hospital with me...but I didn't want to be more of a burden to your already beyond busy life.

I don't fit into your schedule. I used to...& then your life moved forward. Mine's still back here waiting to get on the bus. I try so hard to fit into every one's schedule...but nobody tries to fit into mine. I never complain about driving & would do it as much as I used to if I thought you weren't too busy. Why drive 100 miles to be ignored..?? (& not in a bad way...I just know you are busy)

It does bother me that you drive your car with all your friends to Mesa once a month. No...I don't want to scrapbook. What would I scrapbook..?? Me & Me having a great time..?? No thanks. I don't know what we would do at my house...I have never thought about it. Nobody ever comes there...I honestly don't think you could get there without directions. But Regina's house...the girl that makes you feel as important as dirt...you know how to get to her house.

Finally...go & do whatever with whomever when ever you want. Just don't act like you want me there on Christmas when you are talking about it...if you don't. And don't call me & tell me a 1/2 truth either..."We didn't plan it until today" even though you blogged it the night before...

And yes...Robyn did call me at 11am when I was in the shower. I go to work 50+ hours a week & often have court too. I am a cop...but that is not who I am...it's what I do. That is how I earn my living. I try my hardest to turn it off when I leave my gun belt, radio & uniform in my locker & drive 33 miles home. I don't mind the questions. I don't mind that at parties I am introduced as the cop. But how in the hell am I suppose to know why some junior varsity Goodyear cop that is bored out of his ever-living mind working 3rd shift in a small town writes someone a bullshit ticket or two..?? I have NO idea.

Maybe they are cracking down on bad parker's in Goodyear. Maybe instead of a DUI task force they are running a city code violation task force. Maybe someone died in a house fire because someone parked to close to the hydrant & the firefighters were too afraid of some ass complaining after they broke out his car windows and ran a hose through his car...Maybe he and the one other cop working were bored and decided to see how many b.s. tickets they could write by the time their shift ended..?? Who knows..!!?? And here's what you do about it...PAY THE TICKET & PARK THE RIGHT WAY NEXT TIME..!! Contrary to civilian belief...there is no super-secret handshake or code that gets people out of tickets..!!

I guess that's it. I am going to go back to bed now. I hate arguing with you. I hate that I even care about any of this...but for whatever reason...it really bothered me. I'm over it now. Who even cares...I mean really. Me getting my panties in a wad isn't going to change anything....well, other than make me more tired from the loss of sleep...& make me more bitter at the world I see...the one that some days feels like we are already in hell...or the things that go on just simply would not. I guess sometimes I crave the bubble that you all still live in...& want back in...or at least feel normal for a few hours before work.