Natural Disaster

So far in 2008, this whirlwind I call my life has lasted (without a break) since July 21st (at work when I left patrol) or August 16th (when we got engaged) or November 8th (when we got married) or November 20th (when we truly came home from vacation married) or November 30th (when all of our stuff was tossed together like a rotten Chef's salad).

I can't quite figure out how each day passes so quickly...each week comes and goes like a freight train...and another begins as if nothing could possibly slow it down.

After my high school reunion in October, the days and weeks charged on- headed straight for November 8th. Somewhere in between my beautiful, sweet, young friend was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. For obvious reasons (and reasons even my brain can't figure out) Kim's awful diagnosis stung me. I am (technically) so distanced from the entire ordeal, yet I feel the hurt in my bones each time I think of her and the suffering I know she is going through.

I love my friend and would do anything to ease her suffering and her family's suffering as well... But, why does this bother me so deeply? I've thought so much about WHY...why her? why now? why stage 4? why not something easier? Why!? and Why a 29 year old that is healthy and has NO family/genetic history? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? It just bothers me...there is NO answer.

This is basically the same diagnosis my mother was given at the end of June 1995. She was given 3-6 months; she fought a hard fight, but died January 11th, 1996.

I don't handle negativity well (in fact I despise it and don't want to be around it), but I am a realist.

In my world, I have turned my mom's awful suffering into the positive - at least now we know what we are all (the 6 of my mom's children) up against and how to prepare for/prevent the same stage 4 diagnosis and ultimately death.

Anyhoo...I was reading Kim’s blog last week and came across an entry about a woman named Susan that died because of cancer. I don't know Susan...I'd never even heard about Susan, but after reading a couple entry's about Susan...I decided to learn about this Susan.

I clicked on the link to Susan and Justin's (her hubby) blog and was immediately shocked. I assumed I would find an older woman that had suffered and unfortunately died from her run-in with colon cancer.

What I found was a young, beautiful, athletic, healthy 25 year old woman who had been married in January of this year...that had been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in June or July of this year...who died after her short fight on December 5th.

I've read every one of her blog entries at least once, mainly because I want to understand how someone at age 25 without genetic history can even have this disease and because I was interested in her fight, her stories, her feelings on the subject, etc...

I copied one of the last blog entries made. It was posted December 2nd, 2008. For whatever reason, this entry struck me.

The post reads:

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Tuesday, December 2, 2008

At Home
I spoke with Justin this morning, and he asked me to post an update.Bruce and Justin met with Susan's oncologist yesterday morning. His opinion was that her body would not be able to endure further chemotherapy, it would do more harm than good. Together they decided that the best course of action would be to take her home where she can rest more comfortably.

Susan has been sleeping most of the time lately, but Bruce mentioned that she overheard this conversation and asked "Does this mean I'm done?" They indicated to her that her treatment was complete, and she closed her eyes and smiled. She understands her situation and is at peace.

She arrived home yesterday afternoon and is receiving hospice care. Her caregivers are adjusting her pain medication to help her have more awake time, which is important to her. Justin, Bruce, and Janet are caring for her together with her nurses.

We appreciate the many prayers and kind words that have been offered on behalf of Susan and our family. We will continue to keep our friends and family members updated through the blog.

Zach

****

"They indicated to her that her treatment was complete..."

I've don't even know this woman and I was shocked...how hard it must have been for her to accept this portion of life, this piece of the plan of salvation…the end of dreaming to be a wife and a mother, an athlete, a world traveler, etc.

Knowing somewhat of how her husband is feeling, I just hurt for him after reading that. Knowing how much I love my sisters, I just can't bear the thought. Knowing how hard it's been at times in my life without my mother, I ache for a 5 year old little girl that may someday soon begin to know this pain. It's bearable after a time, but it's crippling at others. And really, there is nothing that can be done about it...

Luckily for me (and my siblings) my mother took the time and wrote us each letters. I read mine from time to time and hope I've lived my life in a way she'd be proud to call me her daughter. My mother also kept a journal for a good portion of her life, so we are also able to reflect back on those. (I've also been lucky in life to get a second mother...but that's another story.)

Ugh. I'm not over here on suicide watch or anything crazy - calm down - I just wanted to get some of my thoughts out of my head and on paper.


I'm so very thankful for my health and for all of my siblings' health. Reading about this young woman made it very clear to me that we should NOT be taking our time on Earth for granted. I know she's a stranger, but her treatment was completed so quickly...ya just never know. She only had months and they weren't great months at that. Yeah I know...we could die in a car crash or blah blah blah...that isn't my point today.

This again sealed the deal for me and made me realize even more that these are the reasons we make sacrifices to be with each other on the holidays, the days in between and whenever possible. Excuses are just that- excuses. I am so crazy in love with my selfless family and all they/we do for each other without complaint, or contention. I'm so thankful to be married to a wonderful man that loves me and would do anything for me...(it may a take a week or two, but he'll get the job done dang it!!) I love him so much and I am thankful that he believes in us.