Once Children Grow Up

By: Garth A. Hanson, “Once Children Grow Up,” Ensign, Feb. 1996, 23

Worrying about children is not new. The scriptures tell stories of parents whose children turned out well: Abraham’s son Isaac (see Gen. 22:7–13; D&C 132:37); of children who lost their way: Lehi’s sons Laman and Lemuel (see 2 Ne. 1:13–26; 2 Ne. 5:1–5); and of children who headed in a wrong direction but later became righteous: Alma’s son Alma the Younger (see Mosiah 27). In each case, the parents of these men probably did their best to rear them properly.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has said, “Of all the work of ‘perfecting the saints,’ none compares to that done in healthy families” (Ensign, May 1994, p. 89). The importance of creating a healthy family atmosphere weighs heavily on most parents. If parenting itself is challenging, figuring out how to parent an older teen or young adult can be very perplexing, especially in today’s world of lingering partial dependence on Mom and Dad that sometimes lasts well into young adulthood.

Yet, no matter how difficult a particular situation is, parents cannot afford to give up hope that their loving, prayerful concern and actions for their child’s welfare will someday, somehow, bear fruit. Nor can they afford to relinquish all responsibility for providing measured, ongoing moral support and direction for their child, believing instead that parental involvement ends once a child becomes a legal adult or leaves home. President Ezra Taft Benson’s words surely apply to mothers of young adult children as well as to fathers: “Fathers, yours is an eternal calling from which you are never released. … Its importance transcends time. It is a calling for both time and eternity” (Ensign, Nov. 1988, p. 48). President Benson also counseled:

“It seems easier for many mothers and fathers to express and show their love to their children when they are young, but more difficult when they are older. Work at this prayerfully. There need be no generation gap. And the key is love. Our young people need love and attention, not indulgence. They need empathy and understanding, not indifference from mothers and fathers. They need the parents’ time. A mother’s kindly teachings and her love for and confidence in a teenage son or daughter can literally save them from a wicked world” (“To the Mothers in Zion,” in Ezra Taft Benson, Come, Listen to a Prophet’s Voice, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1990, p. 36).

Another key to achieving harmony between generations may be found in forming habits of good communication while the children are young (see sidebar article, this page). Parents can then learn how to build on those good habits to offer appropriate help to children as they move through the challenging transition from youthful naïveté and dependence on their parents to the self-reliance and maturity of responsible adulthood.

Remember that we cannot and should not pray away the individual agency of any of our loved ones. Our children may never respond the way we would like them to, but we must allow them their agency and, in the process, maintain our sanity. Even though their wayward child may not experience a change of heart in this life, parents must do everything in their power to let the system work.

“A child, even one raised with great love and care and carefully taught, may choose, when an adult, not to follow those teachings for a variety of reasons,” said Bishop Robert D. Hales, then Presiding Bishop of the Church and now a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. “How should we react? We understand and respect the principle of agency. We pray that life’s experiences will help them regain their desire and ability to live the gospel. They are still our children, and we will love and care about them always. We do not lock the doors of our house nor the doors to our hearts” (Ensign, Nov. 1993, p. 10).

Elder Boyd K. Packer, now Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, said: “The measure of our success as parents … will not rest solely on how our children turn out. That judgment would be just only if we could raise our families in a perfectly moral environment, and that now is not possible. It is not uncommon for responsible parents to lose one of their children, for a time, to influences over which they have no control.” Elder Packer continued, quoting Elder Orson F. Whitney of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: “ ‘Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. … Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God’ ” (Ensign, May 1992, p. 68).