Words I Often Leave Unspoken

Today, as just about everyone knows, is the 7th anniversary since we lost Kyle. At this time every year, my emotions get all stirred up. This year is no exception, but for the first time instead of just being sad, I also have feelings of gratitude & peace.

I am thankful for many things, but I am most thankful for my family. Growing up, all of my siblings were a great big PITA, but the older I get, the more I appreciate them...even their faults…even Ryan. :)

I personally have never understood suicide or why people choose "the easy way out," but then I lost Kyle. I had never been so sick with emptiness and feelings of nothing to live for. I never wanted to or even thought about hurting myself, but I wanted to be dead; I felt like I was dying at a slow pace. There were days, weeks even, that seemed to be never ending; so was the grief. I would have died 7 years ago without all of my family; extended family included. Maybe not in the you're dead and go to heaven or hell sense of dead, but with nothing to live for, why would anyone get out of bed? I have no idea what people do to get through life’s trials without their family.

I am thankful for the time that Kyle was in my life. I have officially been single, on my own, what ever you want to call it, for longer than I was with Kyle. Kyle was my best friend & life will never be the same without him here. I learned so much from him. He was someone that had unquestionable integrity, a strong character and was extremely loyal. Life radiated from his smile and I was proud to stand next to him.

Kyle taught me how to love unconditionally & how important it is to be loved unconditionally. Kyle loved me completely with no exceptions & he never expected to gain anything by doing so. He was selfless & kind. I pray that I love the way he loved me.

Kyle & I laughed ALL the time; our home was always filled with laughter (unless he was asleep on the couch)(oh yeah...& when Abby lived with us...there was very little laughter!!). We wrestled a lot & we usually ended up laughing too hard to declare a winner...so naturally…I was the winner.

Kyle loved kids & couldn't wait to be a dad. He wanted to name his son "Truckston" so he could call him "Truck." I wasn't at all in love with that name, but I think if he was here, I'd have a son (or a daughter) named "Truck." I am thankful that I don't!!

Kyle also taught me how to forgive. I am thankful for that too. I was treated poorly by several members of Kyle's family at one time or another. I have had my feelings crushed & eventually just stopped going back for more. I have forgiven them; all of them. I choose not to welcome people that treat me negatively into my life, but I hold no grudge or ill will. I am thankful for the peace that comes with not only forgiving, but for the peace and strength I feel for standing up for myself…just like Kyle did.

I am most thankful, however, for the experience that losing Kyle has been. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, but I am thankful for several reasons. As Kyle's death moves further & further in my past, it isn't as easy to "remember" how badly I hurt; it was a pain like no other & I am shocked it isn't fatal. The heart ache and pure grief is a tremendous amount for the body & soul to survive.

I am thankful that it was my pain to live through. I would even do it again if it meant my sisters would never have to. I can't stomach the thought of them having to lose their spouse & feeling that ache. I learned the hard way how to love, understand & forgive my dad for stupid, but hurtful things that I did not understand. It took losing my husband to do so, but I have been thankful I do.

I am also thankful for who I have become. I am thankful to have my own identity, to be able to take care of myself now & in the future. I am thankful to know who I am. I am happy to know that I can survive without a man and I am happy to know that life does continue. Even if we aren’t ready to see sun light, the sun will still come up every day.

It took me a long time to value myself, to stand up for myself, to believe in myself. I am thankful that I know my self worth and to feel nearly whole again. I think there will always be a piece of my soul that mourns the loss I still feel everyday, but the happier things in this life far outshine the bad.

I am thankful to have begun to move on.